“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
This is Sparta
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally