So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
men, we mow at sunrise.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
.. do you even science?
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
🙋♀️
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.