me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Bill is short for Billiam
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.