It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Good morning.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.