Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.