Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go