I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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Just me and my debit card against the world
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.