We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
japanese corn
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.