I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
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Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
This has made my week.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Best spot.. 😅
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers