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Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”