I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
relationship goals
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.