I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
You Might Also Like
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.