Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.