When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!