Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
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My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”