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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I’m a self-made hundredaire
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?