I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
bout dat hot dog summer
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.