to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Tremendous stuff
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.