If you love someone, let them tweet.
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This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Happy Thanksgiving
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.