“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
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A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Me as a therapist: omg same
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded: