I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
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I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules