Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.