Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
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If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.