me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth