Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Note to self: I am a note
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
me adding lol on a serious message