When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me irl
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?