With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”