Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
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*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
How it started How it’s going
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.