Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
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Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.