GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*