The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
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Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Watson was Holmes schooled
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second