Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
A double negative is a big no-no.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Customer is always right
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids