if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Sing it!
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?