When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
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Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire