Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
The pasta is now
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.