a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
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I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.