garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die