it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
the battle rages on
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?