No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
How did we not see this back then?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?