my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night