If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security