the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
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Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.