I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
You Might Also Like
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
So the ex texted me
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious