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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Huge, if true.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse