Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap