If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.