[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
You Might Also Like
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.