I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
This makes total sense…
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.