my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm