*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
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My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Well, this explains it:
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
that colleague who touches your screen
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”